i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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