It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
