im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
