you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
