i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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