I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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