I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
