Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
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