so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
