I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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