I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
