i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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