I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Your penis caused this!
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