Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
