Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
