Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
