Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
This is my gift to your gina
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
