is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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