you turned your livingroom into a bong?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
