got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
