I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
