before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
