Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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