You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
