Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize