Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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