how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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