Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
