so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
