In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He passed out mid-signature
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
