i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Randomize