Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
