Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize