If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Randomize
