She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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