Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
