He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
