I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
