Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
