dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
