Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
