I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
