I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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