That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
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