it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
