he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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