my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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