Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
