Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
