I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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