Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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