Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
