Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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