So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Come share oat with me in your robe
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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