my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Actions speak louder than pants.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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