Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize