he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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