I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Randomize
