she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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