So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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