My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
