whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Is it because I queefed?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
