the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
