I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Randomize
