I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
