so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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