my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Randomize
